"I see, I feel, I know, I need"
Every conflict tests whether we love Jesus more than we love being right. The question isn’t if we’ll disagree - but whether the gospel will shape how we do. Turns out, we win by losing.
In Paul’s first letter to the church of Corinth, he leads them to handle each other differently than the world when it comes to disputes, and in particular, lawsuits. (1 Corinthians 6.1-11) And although you might not be in a lawsuit you do know what it means to keep score, want to be right, and want to be vindicated. So, how do we handle disputes in the shape of Jesus so that our relationships don’t get infected?
For the record, just because there is a dispute between two parties it doesn’t necessarily mean the parties involved are immature. I’ve seen difficult and heavily nuanced disputes between incredible leaders who genuinely love Jesus and each other. Praise God we have the gospel to model before us what it means to serve others without the demanding need to win or “come out on top.”
With that in mind, I wanted to offer a quick tool that has helped me moderate disputes over the last several years. I’m not sure where it came from originally (comment below if you know) but my friend John Fooshee (People Launching) taught me the quick pneumonic of “I see, I feel, I know, I need” to help disputing parties navigate their differences.
I see. “This is how I see this situation and understand the facts before us.”
This allows the parties to lay out what they see as facts. Of course, clarity is king, and so it might be the case that one or both parties don’t have all the facts right. This is when we strive for agreement on at least what has occurred. Not motivations, or feelings, or even the ethics - just the facts. We’re simply “setting the table” and beginning reconciliation on much better footing. Be sure to ask questions like, “Is this how you see the situation?” or “Do you agree that these are the facts?” This ensures both clarity and agreement.
I feel. “This is how this situation has made me feel.”
This allows disputing parties to separate the facts from their feelings, but at the same time not neglect their feelings. Unfortunately, this is where most disputes start and end, so we won’t end on this, but we don’t want to presume to know how the other party feels. We don’t all emotionally traffic the same and understanding how the other party is processing events or words might invite sympathy and/or empathy.
I know. “...but this is what I know to be true about you.”
This is my favorite part of the exercise because it allows one to endorse and celebrate the other party - not with flattering words - but with truth. If I feel the other disputing party declares me to be honest and integrous, I won’t even bother deafening my integrity. They just did it for me. This also pivots our posture to see the other party as a blessing and contribution - not an enemy. This might sound like, “...I know it to be true that you love me and my family dearly - and I’ve always enjoyed your encouragement - I believe you care and pray for us - and I believe you value our friendship.” Don’t ever skip this step. For any moderator, this takes the most leadership and intention because it feels the most unnatural.
I need. “This is what I need to move forward.”
This is a very common and effective way to tie things together. If we agree on what happened, understand how the other party feels, and can believe the best of the other party - all that remains are the conditions for a continued relationship. It might not reset and be the same as it was, but it can most often be peaceable or even fruitful. This continues the value of clarity as it pertains to expectations. Skipping this step risks a return to the same dispute down the road. It’s also important for the moderator to help guide this process for reasonable and clear expectations.
I’m not a counselor or professional mediator by any means, but I have been in more contentious moments that I can count - and this simple tool has been helpful for me. I hope it is helpful for you.